Lessons in Love Through Loss
Love, it binds us to one another; but sometimes it breaks us apart, both physical and mentally. Im not an expert on love, in fact, my love experience has been a muck most of my life. I struggled over the years first with learning how to love, then regressing to hiding my love, then learning to love again. One of the many question I ponder on love is how to love without attachment or what we call ‘clinginess ‘. You know, that ‘I need to be with you all the time’ impulse. That ‘ I don’t know who I am without you impulse’ that many of us have lingered in, or perhaps are dwelling in at this moment. Although this blissful state may have its benefits, from my experience, it is fleeting and is unhealthy for soul progression. Relationships can be like a fire, too much heat too fast may burn the fire out completely. A fire must be built slowly, from the bottom up and given time to build into a roaring flame. If you put all of the fuel on the fire at once, it will be beautiful and warm for a moment, but it will burn out just as quickly as it began.
Is It Love or Just Attraction
Another question that plagues my mind is ‘am I really in love with this person, or is it merely attraction’? Is it my hormones telling me to reproduce, or do I love the soul that dwells within this person? It is hard many times to distinguish between love and lust. You can have lust in love but be weary of the lust for love, or better said, the addiction to the feeling of being ‘in love’. How do you know when you truly love someone, beyond mere bodily attraction? I saw a quote recently that resonated with this point ‘ Love is about who you miss at 2 in the afternoon when you’re busy, not at 2 in the morning when you’re lonely.
Is The Person Really Who I See Them To Be
It’s strange how our minds fill in the empty spaces in life, or create fabrication in regrades to peoples personalities. Too many times have I met someone and started creating a image in my mind about who they are, without knowing fully. Haste-fully we start attaching traits to people before we know who they truly are. Now, this can go both ways of course, given the person you are with may be creating a self imagine of you in their mind also. Perhaps thinking ‘this is the one’ and mentally constructing who they want you to be, or maybe who they think they need at the moment. This is not only dangerous for a relationship, but may also lead to you putting this person on a pedestal, or expecting them to live up to your mental construct. If or when the relationship ends, this created image may plague the mind and make you have deep feelings for a person that did not exist in the first place. This may cause endless pain, because you are seeking to be with a person that does not even exist.
How to move on. The question that lingers in the mind of anyone who loves someone that does not love them in the same way. How to get over the ‘what if’s’, how to get over the ‘maybes’. What if we just take some time, what if we try again later, maybe in a few years we can try again… The never ending narrative of grasping to something that has left you feeling empty. The feeling that if I did ‘this’ or ‘that’ maybe they will see I have changed and want to be with me again. This is a trap, this is not the path to growth. Don’t get me wrong, you must spend time with your thoughts and think about what was done wrong in the relationship to make sure you do not make these mistakes again. Although, dwelling and sitting with self pity never helped to forward ones life to move on. You must realize that you need to be with someone who wants to be with you, not someone who wants you to be the way they want you to be. Trying to construct a self image based on another persons needs with never bring you happiness. Improve because you want to improve, change on your will alone. If you change for another, you weaken yourself. ‘We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” – Dr. Seuss
Whats So Wrong With Being Alone Or Single?
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with loving yourself fully, even while you are alone. If you can find peace within yourself in the dark silent night, you have found the key to happiness. If you can smile at others holding hands or kissing while you are single, you know you have healed your broken heart. How can you expect someone to love you fully if you do not love yourself fully? How can you fully give yourself to another if you do not know who you are when you are alone. Love is like a drug, if you are willing to get high, you must be ready for the hangover when it runs dry. When all of your grasping to the past fades, love will rise again and you will be ready to try again if you so choose.
I can summarize my experience with relationships and love in a short poem I wrote, thanks for reading and I hope my lessons learned out of pain can help you learn without having to feel the same.
I push you pull, I pull you push. Like waves in the ocean we rise and fall. Craving stillness, but with stillness comes stagnicity and all things in the universe must move or die. When the waves become too high it becomes chaotic. Sometimes pushing through a large wave creates strength, and other times, it drowns us.